25. What’s Wrong With Wiping Your Nose On A Nun?

A few people have mentioned to me now how lithium has affected their weight and that they find it harder to lose that weight once it’s on. I don’t know if this is because the medication affects metabolism or perhaps makes you crave certain foods. I know I have recently been told my entire diet revolves around eating sugar. It’s in everything I drink, eat, snort… just kidding. You can’t snort Smarties. I’ve tried. And the doctor has put me on a really strict diet to help reduce my risk of diabetes and other nasty symptoms.

Oh believe me, I fought it. I argued that I get enough exercise jigging about during my manic episodes and that I suffer from rapid cycling, which sounds far too close to a form of exercise for me to want to take part voluntarily.

But I lost that argument. So I’m sitting here typing next to a bowl of something green (that can’t be natural, surely) and the prospect of a dinner of aromatic lentils which even the cat wouldn’t go near the last time I prepared them. I’ll let you know if I actually lose any weight. I’ve been on the diet for nearly 2 weeks now and I complained to my colleague yesterday that I’m sick of eating tasteless salads. He told me that dieting is a journey of discovery. That I should look at it as a way of enhancing my self-discipline (how can you enhance something you never had in the first place?). As far as a journey of discovery goes, I’m quite looking forward to discovering just how many chins nature intended for me to have.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2602630/I-pooped-like-freaking-clockwork-What-happened-one-family-went-sugar-free-diet-one-year.html - Check out this article on how one family managed to get through a year on a sugar-free diet.

I’ve also started writing a bit more lately, which is nice. I think. I’ve actually found that when I try to write from the heart I usually end up writing about childhood. I had a rough time as a kid, as do a lot of people. But it would seem that if I start to dig deep it’s always that time that pops up and grabs the pen.

It’s been emotional writing about events I had hoped I’d put behind me but in some ways the fact that I’m an emotional wreck (crying on the train, in the supermarket, on that nun, etc) is good because this time I have a reason for it. You know what it’s like, right? Being down, crying for no reason, feeling like life is just too hard sometimes. And usually that’s all down to the chemicals in your brain. So when you have a REASON for reacting that way, it’s almost comforting! I’ll let you know how it goes. It may be my big break into writing and this time next year I’ll be collecting my BAFTA (I’ve already written my speech. Hey, writer’s write).

24. Feel What's Real

I’ve been going through a stage for some time now where I feel very calm. Overly calm in fact, almost feeling nothing at all at times, but not in a bad way. Not in the way depression robs you of your feelings and leaves you empty. It’s more like I’m happy inside because there’s nothing bothering me, no stress in my life, I’m not worried about any big decisions. This is odd because I do have all of those things to think about but I’m loving the peace this state brings and therefore I don’t want to question it too much.

I confided to my counsellor that despite wiping out all the stresses and strains I usually experience, this state has also robbed me of the feelings I have for my husband and I’ve been doubting whether I should be with him. Since she’s gone through our ups and downs for the last 2 years along with us she reminded me that when my hubby and I are together and working well, we’re VERY good together. I agreed. She then said that it’s difficult to tell what feelings are real when you go through ups and downs in mood on such a frequent basis. I agreed… then burst into tears. Don’t worry, I do that a lot.

She talked me through some of the different moods I end up experiencing thanks to bipolar. There’s this one, where I feel very little but am in an ok state and relatively happy. There’s the one where someone else takes over and I’m not in control, that one I don’t like. There’s the well of depression, which I like even less. There’s the edge of mania where Janice sits, beckoning me to join her. And there’s the actual hypomania. I described that to her in the form of a pizza, ie, if you order a pepperoni pizza from your favourite pizza parlour you’ll get the same thing every time it comes. You order a box of mania and you’re likely to get a new set of gremlins bursting out of it every time. I think she got the idea.

Then she asked me what I thought was really causing me to feel this way about my husband and as is the way when you start talking about something you’re not even conscious of, a lot of stuff came out which surprised me. The upshot was that I was protecting myself.

We’ve been through a lot in the last few years since my diagnosis. I haven’t always felt able to be totally open and honest with him about everything that’s going on with me. Sometimes that’s because I’m protecting myself and other times it’s because I need to protect him. And most of us can say that I expect. Honestly ISN’T always the best policy in my world. If I went around telling everyone I do contract work for that I have bipolar and would really love it if I could get one of my hallucinations to clock in every day when I fancy a day off, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be invited back.

But equally, to not be able to talk about these things makes them seem shameful. As if the disorder we carry around with us and have to deal with every day is ours alone to live with. And even for someone like me, with a loving husband, I still live with it and deal with it, on my own for the most part.

So what am I protecting myself from? Rejection? Pain? Hurt feelings? Someone who I can never expect to fully understand what I deal with every day? I’m pushing him away so that when the day comes that he decides he’s had enough and he can’t take any more bipolar surprises, I won’t have committed my entire being to him. I can walk away knowing that I pulled back before he could and therefore protected myself. And in the meantime I’ll live in a half fulfilling relationship, with a man I only allow myself to get close to when the mood takes me. And I see the flaw in my plan, I really do. But I never said I was good at all this emotional stuff.

My counsellor advised me that this state I’m in now is not one in which I should be making big decisions like filing for divorce or moving to New York to start a new life. She says that my feelings are lying to me. Clouding what’s real. Like depression clouds emotion and only allows the worst through, this state of calmness coupled with my underlying fears about my condition are causing me to question my feelings for my husband.

This is where logic needs to come in. Large decisions require logic and a bit more logic. Because any decision I make now I might regret later on.

23. The Bi-POscars!

Excellent films which, in my opinion, are about bipolar people:

1. Labyrinth – There’s no doubt that the goblin king has a strange sense of fashion which can only be born of individualism, however, he’s obsessive and goes out of his way to get what he wants, despite the consequences to those around him. Plus, delusional. Hello! In the final scene where Sarah runs to the door of the castle you can clearly see 2 bottles of milk on the doorstep. Now either all those ickle goblins are lactose intolerant or he has severely underestimate the porridge needs of an army. Not even a hazelnut yogurt in sight. And I’m pretty sure he’s prone to mood swings. You can’t tell me that the day after Sarah rejected him he wasn’t slumped in his throne surrounded by empty cartons of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

2. Groundhog Day – Focusing a lot more on the depressive side of bipolar, groundhog day is almost a parody of depression. The same things happen day after day with the monotony of life leading inevitably to bad thoughts about your own existence. It’s only when we change our behaviour, learn from our mistakes and take a positive outlook on life… or a Citalopram… that we can begin to make things better and get ourselves out of the Groundhog Day of our own lives. Did that sound good? Did it?

3. The Incredible Hulk – A seemingly ordinary, intelligent man most days, he tries his best to integrate himself into society by keeping a low profile. He doesn’t advertise his flaws. But oh brother, what flaws! Mood swings, irrational behaviour, destructive tendencies, an inability to communicate feelings effectively. Classic case! Classic. I think I once mentioned in this blog that when I’m down I can’t write. However, never has my vocabulary diminished to the point where ‘Hulk, smash’ was my only outlet. Hey, I guess some have it a lot worse than me.

In fact, proof that if you dig deep enough you can probably make a case for ALL Marvel superheroes showing bipolar tendencies.

Lithium Links
Silver Surfer
The Silver Surfer has got to have something to do with lithium and my guess is he was originally going to call himself ‘Lithium Ion Man’ but Iron Man beat him to it. Grrr!

Irrational Behaviour
Wolverine
We’ve all had days when we feel like ripping someone’s face off for saying the wrong thing and you try to get me to shave my legs on those days… there’s a definite Wolverine element to bipolar is what I’m saying.

Delusional
Superman
Underpants on the OUTSIDE aside. How delusional are you if you think I’m doing YOUR laundry, dude?

So the next time you see one of these films on the shelf and you’re having a shakey day, you just ask yourself ‘Am I supposed to be the nutter here?’ and move on with your head held high, my friend.

If you can think of a fitting film or character for the Bi-POscars Category please comment below but remember to give your reasons. We all want to know! ;0)