30. Pretending To Be Me

More and more lately I’ve been feeling the effects of depression in between the moments of feeling nothing at all. I’m acting a little bit like a pregnant woman right now. I can go from nought to snot inducing crying phase in sixty seconds. And in those moments that’s when the world turns into a dark place. All my fears come rising to the surface, all my pain comes to call and my mind throws things at me which make me feel entirely worthless.

It’s at times like these that I wonder whether I can keep going with all this bipolar nonsense. It’s not as if having an understanding of this condition makes it any easier to live with. It’s not as if talking provides a cure. I’ve come to the realisation lately that there has never been a true moment of clarity in my entire life where I’ve known that the decisions I’m making are mine and mine alone and that I’ll stick with them. I’ve never been happy because from one week to the next something inside me keeps changing the rules. It’s like playing a game that you’re never going to win. And not a cool game like Super Mario or, during the speedier times, Sonic. No, it’s like playing Monopoly over and over again. Or as my husband calls it, Monotony. There is no winning. There’s just hard choices and times when you’re functional and have money and property then times when you can’t function and find you’ve lost everything. But just like the pieces on that board, you’re pretty much alone the whole time.

And the loneliness. Oh how I love that feeling. Not being able to connect to others because you can’t even bring yourself to like what you are. Well thanks for that one, Universe! And what’s the alternative? A ten minute session once every 3-6 months with a trainee psychiatrist, carrying on as best you can, pretending that you are the person you present to everyone, or giving in to it and becoming the insane, vibrating, paranoid, debilitated by OCD fruitcake who needs around the clock care that you know lives just a centimetre or so beneath your skin. There have been so many times in my life when I’ve thought about giving in to that but I’m not sure that giving up would be any better. It seems to me it would take less work to give up than to keep going and from what I understand there are drugs like Diazepam on tap in hospital, which is an incentive, but I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that state. No coming back and no way out.

So I live the lie. The one in which I work to the best of my ability, the one in which I embrace my fate, take my pills every day, wonder quietly about whether I will ever actually make a decision I can live with forever and tell people that I wish there was a cure for bipolar. But even that’s a lie. I don’t wish there was a cure. I wish there was a way to balance the chemicals in my brain so that I was always productive, creative, full of energy and able to do everything in life with ease. I want to be in a permanent state of hypo-mania. Sometimes I wonder whether my constant desire to have the things I can’t reach is born of those times when I’m in a hypo-manic state.

I’m reminded of Tennyson’s poem, ‘In Memoriam A.H.H.’ in which he states ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’. And in contrast, Hunter S. Thompson’s quote ‘You can’t miss what you never had.’ That is my life all over, it seems. The polarity of these two statements mirrors the polarity of my entire existence.

Let me explain.

Tis better to have loved and lost. Tis better to have experienced a period of hypomanic behaviour during which you were productive, creative, happy, wild and carefree than never to have experienced one at all. Then, when you lose that feeling, despite feeling as if your wings have been clipped and the ensuing depression which takes over and the reminder that you once had a hell of a lot more control over your life, this is still a better state to be in, than to NEVER have experienced this state.

You can’t miss what you never had. You never experience hypo-mania, you never know that there is any other way of feeling than the normal range of emotions you go through. Your life is generally calm and collected with no dire need for excitement, no possibility of hallucinations and no desire to leave your life as it is and start a new one in a commune in LA.

So you can see which statement I feel more of an affinity with. Because let’s face it, it really IS worse to have experienced something amazing and then have it taken away from you, despite the fact that state also comes with hallucinations and other such novelties.

So will I ever be happy? Will I ever be content with my lot in life? It would appear this is something I should put to the latest trainee psychiatrist and see what they think. I’m sure they’ll have the answer I seek!

29. Would You Like Salt With Your Salt?

Today I’m feeling vaguely victorious and vaguely petrified in equal measure. I told you about my diet, right? The one 0where I have to cut out everything but air, acorns and, if I’ve been really good, I might get to sniff the fridge? Well, when I said that diet and exercise wasn’t good for you, I wasn’t kidding. It turns out that the type of diet I’m on is low in salt as well as low sugar, low fat and low flavour.

Now, I started on lithium 2 years ago. I read the little pamphlet that came with it stating what to do with the little white tablets, when to take them, how many to take and what to do if I accidentally start snorting them like cocaine. But after that I kind of forgot about the little pamphlet and got on with my life. So when I started this diet it didn’t occur to me that the odd symptoms I started getting about 2 weeks in were anything more than dietary pains or the effects of a lifetime of living on sugar.

Last week my lips went numb. Just once and just for about ten minutes and I didn’t really think much of it other than ‘that’s odd and I hope that doesn’t happen again’. But it did happen again. And I was tired all the time. Exhausted to my core kind of tired. And then my right hand went numb which, to my dismay, didn’t stop me being able to go to work and type (I mean, what is the POINT of being poisoned slowly if you can’t get a day off out of it?). And my concentration has been awful. All these things I’ve put down to other issues but it turns out that a low salt diet can really affect your lithium levels, raising them to the point where they become toxic. Yet again I ask you, if you suddenly turned radioactive, you’d want a day off work, right?!

Apparently, what happens is your kidneys process both sodium chloride (common table salt) and lithium chloride (not to be confused with table salt. Doesn’t taste nice on your chips… apparently) in the same way. Ie, if you’re dehydrated or don’t have enough salt in your system your kidneys will hold onto what it has got, and invariably that will mean holding on to the lithium too. Your body doesn’t flush these things away in your urine like it normally would and you end up building up a little store. One thing is relatively harmless although again, wouldn’t recommend you put it on your chips after extraction from said kidneys, while the other thing starts to build up to toxic levels. You notice it most when you get the shakes, numb bits of your body, your concentration goes, etc etc. (there’s a much better explanation here: http://bipolarworld.net/Phelps/ph_2005/ph1350.htm).

You’re supposed to speak to your GP before you go on a diet of any kind when taking lithium but this is where things fell down for me. Neither myself, nor the GP or nurse put two and two together and that’s how I’ve ended up with lips like Mick Jagger and no feeling down my right side. Ok, I exaggerate, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t.

For those of you in the same position as me (not walking around like one of the undead, just considering dieting is what I mean by that) you might like to read the following guidelines from the National Institutes of Health Clinical Center:


These diet guidelines will help you keep your lithium blood level stable:

• Drink 8 to 10 glasses of water or other liquids every day.
Drinking plenty of fluids is important while you are taking lithium. Not drinking enough liquids may cause lithium levels to rise. You may need even more liquids during hot weather and during exercise when you sweat heavily. To avoid weight gain, select water and other non-caloric beverages.

• Keep your salt intake about the same.
Do not begin a low salt diet without first talking with your doctor or pharmacist. Do not suddenly increase the salt in your diet either. Less salt may cause your lithium level to rise. More salt may cause your lithium level to fall.
Try to keep your intake of these salty foods about the same from day to day: luncheon meats, ham, sausage; canned or processed meats and fish; packaged mixes; most frozen entrees and meals; soups and broths; processed cheeses like American; salted snack foods; soy sauce; smoked foods; olives, pickles; tomato juice; most fast foods; salt, salt containing seasonings and condiments like ketchup and meat sauces.

• Keep your caffeine intake about the same.
Keep amounts of coffee, tea, cola, and other soft drinks with caffeine about the same from day to day. Less caffeine can cause your lithium level to increase; more caffeine can cause your lithium level to decrease.

• Avoid alcoholic beverages.
Check with your doctor or pharmacist about this issue and any questions you have.

• Take lithium with food or milk.
This will reduce possible digestive side effects like nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain.

27. Darth And The Deathstar

Last week I talked about needing attention to feel loved and this week I was reminded why, in the world of adults, this is just not something any of us can expect. Firstly, I tried an experiment on Facebook. Each night that I rode home on the train I posted that I was feeling lonely. I wanted to see how many people would respond and to what extent. A bit of a mean experiment, I realise, but I thought that describing myself as lonely was an emotion that implied I was down but not so down that people should worry. On the first day I got no response. I left it a day and then posted the same thing again. Nowt! Not even my sister asked if I was ok. On the third attempt someone ‘liked’ my status! Then I threw a Facebook hissy fit and declared that despite posting three times that I was feeling lonely, I’d had no response and that they were all bastards. I was off to Twitter, I announced. And suddenly there was an outpouring. But not of sympathy or care, mostly a steady stream of sarcasm followed friendly insults. I think I was told to ‘suck it up, Princess’ as well as getting a few ‘What’s up with you?’ comments.

I hoped that perhaps this was a one off but I witnessed the same thing this week in work. My colleague Sandra came back from a few days off sick. She’d had a chest infection and was still struggling with it to the point she was wheezing heavily all the time. At one point in the day she got up to talk to our boss and could only walk very slowly. He watched her coming before commenting ‘Cor, blimey, you couldn’t sneak up on someone, could you? It sounds like Darth Vader’s coming to get me! Are you my father?’ The resulting laughter left her in a worse state and she spent the entire conversation whispering between wheezes. At the end of their short meeting he pointed to her desk and said ‘Off you go. Back to the Deathstar!’ So it would appear I’m not the only one who isn’t getting any sympathy in this world. And I can breathe, so bonus!

26. It's ALL about ME!

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself the last few days, I can tell you. It’s partly to do with this story I’m writing and all the stuff it’s kicking up from my past and partly because I’m still feeling very shaky about things in my personal life and relationship. I’m one of those people who is always looking for the next thing that will make me happy. And that next thing never turns out to be enough. I blame my childhood.

In fact, the more I look back at my past the more I realise just how often I was having episodes which could be attributed to bipolar (although mild, I think they were definitely there, and my husband agrees). I wonder now whether I always had it. This is a big deal for me. I was only diagnosed in my thirties and was happier thinking that it was brought on by my nervous breakdown than I was thinking that I was always a bit defective.

I was a very sensitive child. I could over-empathise to the point of driving myself into a worse state that the person I was empathising with. The thought of global warming turned me into a nervous wreck from the age of 8 onward. I even had suicidal thoughts then. What was the point of carrying on, it seemed, if we were all going to drown, freeze to death or perish under a fireball from the sun?

I had terrible OCDs. I couldn’t fill an ice cube tray with water and put it in the freezer if I’d been thinking about anyone I loved because it would mean their essence would be frozen and they’d be in pain because of me! I was terrified throughout most of my childhood of all the man-made issues in the world, not to mention the issues of abandonment I was dealing with when my parents divorced, the loss of people and things that meant a lot to me, a lack of love from my mother, no guidance of any kind from adults in my life and an inability to talk about my problems when there was no one there to listen anyway. Is it any wonder I turned into a little bag of nuts?

http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/430212/group/Life/ - Half of all lifetime cases of mental illness begin by 14.

My husband says that my need to be adored and desire to be the centre of attention is due to the bipolar but I’m not so sure. I don’t want to be the centre of attention. Not in the way you’re thinking. Yes, I want to be successful and happy, but in an understated way. I want my talent and what I can do to be recognised.

I think all that stems from being a little girl with no one to give her what she needed. I’ve spent my entire adult life, and continue to spend it, fixing the problems that that life installed in me. I think what he actually means is, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of becoming a little self-absorbed when every day you have to be very aware of your own feelings, thoughts, rationale, and logic in order to assess how well you are.

This is why, when I see others suffering, I feel bad that I am this self-absorbed person, always asking that my needs be met no matter how illogical or outlandish they might be at times. I came into work this morning and my colleague is in a bad way. He seems very stressed and exhausted. Because he’s a work colleague I don’t know him well enough to probe so in a roundabout way of cheering him up I asked him to help me with the new software licensing acronyms that we’re going to add to our asset management system. I’m pleased to announce that we came up with the following, and a job well done I might add:

Ass.LicK - Assigned License Keys

U.Ass.LicK – Unassigned License Keys

SNot.LicK – Secure Notes License Keys

23. The Bi-POscars!

Excellent films which, in my opinion, are about bipolar people:

1. Labyrinth – There’s no doubt that the goblin king has a strange sense of fashion which can only be born of individualism, however, he’s obsessive and goes out of his way to get what he wants, despite the consequences to those around him. Plus, delusional. Hello! In the final scene where Sarah runs to the door of the castle you can clearly see 2 bottles of milk on the doorstep. Now either all those ickle goblins are lactose intolerant or he has severely underestimate the porridge needs of an army. Not even a hazelnut yogurt in sight. And I’m pretty sure he’s prone to mood swings. You can’t tell me that the day after Sarah rejected him he wasn’t slumped in his throne surrounded by empty cartons of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey.

2. Groundhog Day – Focusing a lot more on the depressive side of bipolar, groundhog day is almost a parody of depression. The same things happen day after day with the monotony of life leading inevitably to bad thoughts about your own existence. It’s only when we change our behaviour, learn from our mistakes and take a positive outlook on life… or a Citalopram… that we can begin to make things better and get ourselves out of the Groundhog Day of our own lives. Did that sound good? Did it?

3. The Incredible Hulk – A seemingly ordinary, intelligent man most days, he tries his best to integrate himself into society by keeping a low profile. He doesn’t advertise his flaws. But oh brother, what flaws! Mood swings, irrational behaviour, destructive tendencies, an inability to communicate feelings effectively. Classic case! Classic. I think I once mentioned in this blog that when I’m down I can’t write. However, never has my vocabulary diminished to the point where ‘Hulk, smash’ was my only outlet. Hey, I guess some have it a lot worse than me.

In fact, proof that if you dig deep enough you can probably make a case for ALL Marvel superheroes showing bipolar tendencies.

Lithium Links
Silver Surfer
The Silver Surfer has got to have something to do with lithium and my guess is he was originally going to call himself ‘Lithium Ion Man’ but Iron Man beat him to it. Grrr!

Irrational Behaviour
Wolverine
We’ve all had days when we feel like ripping someone’s face off for saying the wrong thing and you try to get me to shave my legs on those days… there’s a definite Wolverine element to bipolar is what I’m saying.

Delusional
Superman
Underpants on the OUTSIDE aside. How delusional are you if you think I’m doing YOUR laundry, dude?

So the next time you see one of these films on the shelf and you’re having a shakey day, you just ask yourself ‘Am I supposed to be the nutter here?’ and move on with your head held high, my friend.

If you can think of a fitting film or character for the Bi-POscars Category please comment below but remember to give your reasons. We all want to know! ;0)

22. Bipolar Super Powers

I’ve been preparing a blog on superheroes lately and it got me thinking. What is your bipolar super-power?

I sometimes think that with all the weird and wonderful symptoms that bipolar gives us, how are we supposed to know which character traits can be attributed to the condition and which are truly us?

I know one thing I’ve worried about losing due to the ups and downs of bipolar is my humour. I think I’m funnier when I’m going through a hypomanic episode but I’m also more anxious with it, making me doubt myself and my ability to be funny. Like I might over-use my funny bone and wear it away.

But what if it’s actually the other way around and I’m only funny during these episodes? Am I living on borrowed funny during the down times? I know when I’m depressed I can’t write for toffee. The words are stunted, they don’t flow and to read my writing back is painful.

I started writing a novel during my worst and longest period of depression. I suffered with depression for years and years to various degrees (before I was being treated with lithium). The novel was about life in limbo, about a woman who works in admin processing people’s applications into heaven. I struggled on with this novel because I thought it had a lot of potential but nothing I did made it flow or made the funny drip out onto the page. I realised after many years of trying and retrying that actually there was no point in trying to be creative during that time. That the reason I could only write about dead people is because I was feeling dead inside. They say ‘write what you know’ but I didn’t realise just how much I was taking that sentiment to heart.

If you asked superman, 'What would life be like if you lost your ability to fly?' The first thing he’d think of would be that he wouldn’t be able to save people, and that would be disastrous for a man with so much responsibility on his shoulders. Then he’d probably wonder how he’d get around quickly during rush hour and finally he might think ‘wouldn’t that be nice?’ To be normal for a while. To lose the pressure of responsibility that flying brings.

So is my Bipolar superpower my humour? Does it get me through the highs with flair? I don’t know. Maybe I was born to want to make people snigger but equally, if you were to take away the bipolar in me, what else would I lose that I cherish? That being said, I’m sure that relying on Christmas cracker jokes to make up my repertoire in exchange for a normal, calm life wouldn’t be the worst fate either!

19. Hanging On By Ones Fingertips

Today I was reminded just how easy it is to feel as if your whole world is falling apart. Yes, another one of the many fun and fabulous side effects of bipolar Type 2.

Last night my husband and I had a row. Not a big one. Nothing was thrown, ripped or left in a shape different to the one it had before the row started. You know you’ve thrown one too many hissy fits when you lob something across the room in a rage and not even the cat flinches. One thing that did happen was, my husband mentioned he thought I was going to leave him. And the thought of that scenario didn’t scare me. Which scared me.

I spent the whole following morning in a bit of a flap. Did I want to stay? Could I move out? Where would I go? What about my job? I looked at flats briefly on the internet, not sure what I’d be able to afford. Then the panic seeped out onto Facebook and I started showing a few manic signs. My posts became a little strange rather than the funny I was going for. The thought of finding another husband who would put up with the sort of things mine does seemed impossible which led me to feel even more desperate. Was it really worth carrying on at all, I wondered.

I was so concerned with sorting myself out a new life plan that I didn’t notice my phone ringing at lunchtime. When I finally picked it up it was my hubby calling to tell me he’d booked us a weekend away. And it dawned on me that I was leaving, but I wasn’t leaving without him. And suddenly life calmed down again. The bubbling stress that clouded my vision slowly dissipated and everything began to return to normal.

The moral of the story? When you’re arguing with someone with bipolar don’t deviate from the current reality. If you do you may find you come home from work one day to find your wife has moved out and taken ALL the cutlery, except the spoons!

18. Just Who’s In Charge Here?!

Apart from finding myself in situations where I’ve given in to my irrational feelings and behaviours, I also find it very difficult to figure out who, or what, is making the decisions in my life sometimes.

The most recent example I can think of is my last contract. The one at the IT company came to an end recently. That was the one where I dared to call 2 of my team mates old women when the workload got a bit frantic and they started flapping about one week. I politely advised them to join the Women’s Institute, and was never able to live it down with the rest of the team. From then on, every time I received an email request for software it would usually be accompanied by an order for raspberry jam. Anyway, before my contract actually ended they offered me a job... and a scone.

All the while they were talking about the job I was very excited and determined I was going to take it when they made the offer official. My hubby kept telling me to consider my options and think about the benefits of contracting and how much I like the freedom of it, but I told him this was a great IT company and it would stand me in good stead for the rest of my career if I took the job.

Then they actually offered it to me and I suddenly felt bored by the whole thing. I couldn’t be bothered to read the spec, stopped trying too hard, lost my motivation and eventually decided I really didn’t want the job at all. By which time my hubby was trying to convince me to take it because a week ago I’d been extoling the virtues of a career with a steady pay cheque. Poor guy doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going.

It’s this massive swing in opinion, desire, direction, call it what you want, that drives him a little potty. He never knows which me is talking or when the scenery might change. Can you imagine decorating a room with me? You’d start in pink only to find me crying on the stairs because ‘when I said pink I wanted yellow.’ How does anyone stand a chance?

How can you ever be sure that your decision isn’t based on a dip in mood or the fact you forgot to take your pills yesterday or even a bad night’s sleep? And if I can’t answer that, being the one who experiences these swings, how can I expect anyone else to? My counsellor (yes I’m lucky enough to have access to one) told me that when I’m going through an episode of any sort I need to use my feelings to direct me, but not in the actual decision making process. What she was explaining was that it’s useful to analyse your feelings and moods, decide whether you feel you’re in a rational or clear frame of mind based on those feelings and then decide whether now is even the right time for you to be making any large decisions. If you feel you’re capable of making one you won’t regret then you should include logical thought and facts in the decision making process and not let your emotions lead you entirely.

I should think that a lot of us will find it hard to fight the impulses that bipolar sends to our brains but what she is also advising is that we slow down and take our time over decisions. This is good advice I feel. Whether I can do it or not is down to me and the discipline I will need to muster.

My manager once said to me that when dealing with a bully you have to stay calm and outwit them. Bullies work on emotion. Their arguments are based on it and therefore logic doesn’t come into their thinking. This struck a chord with me. Not that I class myself as a bully, but the thought that irrational and aggressive behaviour is born of emotion makes total sense. Emotion has no tether after all, no desire other than to be calmed and the only way to do that is to reason with it.

So there you go. Reason with emotion.

Good luck with THAT!

17. Irrational? Me?! Screw you... Nan!!

They say that both bipolar type 1 and 2 are synonymous with irrational behaviour and feelings. I know the most common feeling I experience which is highly irrational is loneliness. I can be on a crowded train, surrounded by people and feeling happy one minute. The next minute I’ll feel I have to reach out to somebody right now or I might die of the desperate feeling that’s just slammed into me. The loneliness feels as if it’s eating me from the inside out and I know it’s irrational even when it’s happening, even when I’m desperately checking Facebook for the ten thousandth time for a comment or a sign that someone is online to talk to.

Most recently I’ve been chatting via text to a friend of mine every day. We discuss creative things we both like, writing, photography, websites, films etc. This week he told me he was going away for 2 days. He was taking his phone, he could still text but he wasn’t going to be in the place that I always imagine him when he usually texts me, he was going to be miles away. We’ve gone long periods without talking before but once I knew he was going away up North I suddenly felt extremely lonely, when in reality nothing was going to be any different.

I think this is a throw-back to the days when I was constantly depressed. I suffered due to the feeling of loneliness then too. I remember once being at a cocktail party (it wasn’t a posh one, it was one where everyone ended up showing their knickers at the end of the night). At one point I looked around and I wondered if everyone there was pretending too, if the happiness and the smiles were all plastered on, just like mine. And I felt incredibly lonely in that room full of friends.

I think what bothers me is that when I get two seconds of peace from my ever churning and changing emotions I realise that there’s no way I want to be like this. Those moments of peace are like waking from a bad dream in which all irrational feelings and odd behaviours have seemed entirely normal. It’s only upon waking from it that you realise they are far from normal, but by then you’ve probably lost a friend or two or become obsessive to the point you’ve driven someone away.

I wouldn’t mind if the doctors could tell you what’s going on in your own brain. Why it’s backfiring and conspiring against you to make you unsociable and odd to the extreme. But they can’t. They tell me it’s a chemical imbalance but they don’t even know which chemicals are playing see-saw in my brain.

So if pumping 1 in every 100 people full of battery components does the trick most of the time I guess we have to go along with it. I love the lithium and the effect it has on my tired yet busy brain. But just like the symptoms it aims to control, I find I’m totally at its mercy.

I often find I become more than a little fixated on things. I look to Facebook one hundred times a day for someone to reach out to and when I’m met with the standard ‘Like’ in response to my posts I find myself feeling even more desperate and alone.

What I want to write:

“Do you ever hate your life so much you can feel it crushing your chest? Have you ever felt so lonely you think you’re going to drown in sadness? Do you feel as if your insides are empty of everything except liquid pain sloshing about in the gaps between your ribs? No. Me neither (except I do really).”

What I actually write:

(Post a picture of me looking happy with my family).
“You can tell we’re related by the genetic uni-brow.”

I usually try to make the posts I write funny, but at times they hide what I’m really trying to say which is ‘I’m drowning here. I need someone to reach out and save me.’ The funnier the posts, the more frequent, the more I’ll find I’m flailing and the more dependent I become on nothing more than a networking site to quell my loneliness. And so today I wrote this note to Facebook as a way of trying to break my dependency.

“You know what, Facebook? We’ve had some great times together. No, some AMAZING times. Remember the time you posted a picture of a seagull dive-bombing me on the beach in Spain and me and my friends all laughed and laughed? Ahh, good times.

“The trouble is that just lately I keep feeling like our relationship is taking a lot of effort. And I feel as though I’m the one putting in all the work, if I’m honest.

“I hate to tell you this, but I’ve started using Blogger. I’m sorry, I can see the pain on your face… book. The thing is, it just feels so easy. No short, stunted sentences or awkward jokes. I don’t have to hide behind the laughs and I don’t have to check in monotonously. Blogger just lets me talk and talk and be myself and when we’re done I just walk away. Sometimes for days.

“So I guess what I’m trying to say is… I think we need some space. I need to get my head straight. Stop looking so hurt. I know you see other people. The evidence is there for all to see, so don’t bother denying it.

“It’s over, ok? I’m sorry, but we’re done. At least until Friday when I’ll undoubtedly weaken after a glass of wine and pine for the length of your timeline like I always do.

“Just know that no matter what happens from here on in, I’ll always love you.”

16. Review of Mood Diary Apps

Ok, I know I work in IT but it would seem I just can't make this post work. I hang my head in shame!

Here's a link to the same article on Wordpress. Don't judge me! I hope you enjoy it either way.

Elle, x

http://myfamilyandjanice.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/16-review-of-m…ps-for-android/ ‎

15. Alcohol And Take Aways...Mmm

As a continuation of last week’s blog here are some things I’ve found which have helped me to create a little bit of calm in my BPD teacup since diagnosis.

I’m not putting these things down on paper to try to guilt anyone else into doing something that doesn’t sit well with them. I’m just trying to let you know that these things work for me and therefore they might work for you if you fancy trying them.

My first line ‘Follow a bit of a routine’ might horrify some of you. The thought of it horrifies me. I’m a free spirit. Wild and young(ish) and I don’t want to be bogged down by routines and boring schedules. But I have discovered you can have a ‘bit’ of a routine which satisfies the disorders needs but still gives you freedom to live your life the way you want to. So bear that in mind before you storm out of my blog having decided I must have a stick up my bottom. I can assure, you that’s something I save for the weekends.

Follow a bit of a routine – It doesn’t have to be set in stone but it does help. Go to bed at a set time and plan to get 8 hours of sleep a night. A routine involving bath and bed, aromatherapy, or something relaxing and pampering like moisturising will help you feel as if you’re doing something for you, rather than getting an early night just so work comes around quicker!

Avoid alcohol as often as possible – Obviously you don’t want to offend by not toasting the bride but equally going on a vodka-laced bender over the weekend isn’t likely to make you feel on top of the world afterward.

Caffeine – I’ve found I’m surprisingly sensitive to caffeine and if I drink it after midday I won’t sleep and quite often feel anxious all day. If you get jittery periods try limiting your caffeine intake to the mornings for a week and see if it makes any difference.

Diet – Take a look at what you eat. We’re all guilty of eating fast food, packet meals, ready-made goodies and sweets for energy but you may find that all the hidden additives and sugars are playing havoc with your mood and ability to relax. Plus you really don’t know what it’s doing to your physical health. I once had a cold for two and a half months! It would NOT go away. I changed my diet and hey presto… well, it turned into a chest infection. But after THAT, I was good.

Exercise – This doesn’t have to be blood pounding, run a marathon, Kung Fu kick your way out of a drug fuelled district of LA with Jackie Chan behind you, style exercise. Yoga can be incredibly relaxing while toning and tightening the muscles. Most yoga classes will tag on a period of meditation to the end too, which is great for the soul. And it’s funny to hear people snoring when they drop off. I’ve seen young and old do yoga and I’d say the hardest thing about it is stopping yourself from giggling when someone accidently lets one rip.

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Doctors – Keep your appointments and, if you can, keep a mood diary. I’m not great at taking my own advice here but it is a great way for a doctor, who may only see you for 10 minutes every 3 to 6 months to know what’s been going on with you. Only you know how you feel and if you feel the doc is downplaying something, push a bit harder to get a response that satisfies or take someone with you who will push for you when you’re just not feeling up to it.

Caregivers – When you, as a bipolar sufferer, are feeling well it’s a good idea to turn to your caregiver and make sure they are looking after themself too. Most of us only have 1 person we rely on heavily and that person often has to neglect their own needs to help us with ours, which can be stressful for them. It doesn’t hurt to make sure they know how much you love them for the things they do.

What works for you? Please let us know in the comments section.

Next week I’ll be reviewing mood diary apps.

14. That’s One ‘First Time’ I Could Do Without

The first time I went to the doctor after my nervous breakdown I was in a bit of a state. As you can imagine, nervous breakdowns don’t tend to leave you looking glamorous and at the peak of health. I remember there being a severe need for waterproof mascara and a box of Kleenex for all the snot induced crying fits. Equally, if you know of anyone who found a way to keep their dignity during their nervous breakdown I’d be interested to hear about it. I could use some tips for the inevitable next one.

My husband came with me and explained in no uncertain terms that I was mental, needed to be put into a straight-jacket immediately and asked whether HE could have some pills to help him cope with all this. Thankfully he was joking but I’m not sure my GP really knew how to take him.

I was assured that, given the circumstances and all the snot, I was an emergency case and I could expect to hear from the psychiatrist for an assessment (not treatment) in THREE MONTHS TIME!

An EMERGENCY case. In my book emergency’s don’t usually hang around for 3 months, hence the urgency of an emergency. If I’d been anorexic and my kidneys were shutting down would they have fobbed me off with 3 months? What’s more urgent than an emergency when the symptoms of your problem could kill you?

Anyway, I moan only because I was on the brink of giving up on life. Nothing major. In other ways I can’t fault our NHS and mental health system. Not really. We do always seem to have trainees in psychiatric positions for 6 months at a time, but they tend to be pretty good and my first psychiatrist was the best of the lot. He arranged Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for me, counselling and later on, once I plucked up the courage to tell him about my ‘other’ symptoms reclassified my condition from ‘Severe Depressive Disorder’ to ‘Bipolar Type 2’. He changed my life. He helped me achieve a positive outlook for times when I’m well and a coping strategy for times when I’m not.

I can safely say, looking back to that time and how fragile I was then, that the NHS and its community mental health team has made me strong again. Despite the flaws of never getting to know your psychiatrist because they move from one place to the next and despite the long waiting times between appointments, once you are on their radar they do as much as they can to help – in my experience.

I’ve also found that it’s up to you to take their advice and the education they offer about your condition and work hard to make your own life better. There are things you can do to help yourself and I’ll talk more about those next week.

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13. Ginger Sheepdogs

Despite feeling unmotivated at work recently, I do still appreciate everyone I work with. They are a lovely bunch. This morning I went downstairs to find a load of them having a christening party for Romulus and Remus, the two new servers. I’d like to believe my colleagues named them that because they’re all big fans of Roman legend, but I have a sneaking suspicion I may be wrong about that.

On a different note, I read recently that there are also physical symptoms connected to bipolar such as obesity, heart disease and diabetes. These are often linked with the medication used to treat the disorder and a lot of people writing about this subject on the internet express concern that the medical profession doesn’t seem to consider it to be an issue in as far as helping sufferers to control the effects of weight gain, not to mention the subsequent health problems this weight gain can cause.

It made me think that I really should try to lose some weight. Unfortunately for me I’m a bit of a lazy moo and my first thought was ‘I’ll start with a haircut.’ I have really thick hair (imagine an old English Sheepdog, in a car, on a hot day – that’s me. With a hint of ginger). So I think I can probably lose a good half pound just by getting the shears out.

Then there’s jewellery. I like big, chunky costume jewellery. I could probably lose a half a stone if I ditch that for plastic bangles.

I’m wondering how much a middle toe weighs. I mean, as far as amputating limbs for weight loss goes I feel a leg or major organ might be going a bit too far, but I could probably lose a toe or two and not even notice it.

I guess I could eat a salad or two as well but only if it’s accompanied by chips and bbq sauce, plus some chicken wings and hold the salad.

Just a side note. If you’re thinking that the underwire from your bra probably weighs a lot, I can tell you, it doesn’t. Plus, removing it just presents a whole NEW set of problems.

12. Stress Is Like Rain

The weather in the UK right now is awful. It’s been raining so hard my hair goes frizzy just looking at it.

My poor husband is suffering from stress at the moment. He’s trying to do 2 jobs, deal with troublesome staff, help me, we’ve had things happen which have affected our marriage badly recently and neither of us has had a day off in over a year. Life’s been tough this past year, in many ways, and I think it’s all catching up with us now.

I was walking in the rain this morning and it occurred to me that stress is a bit like rain. It usually starts off as just a drizzle, which you can live with. You quicken your pace in order to try to get out of it faster. But sometimes you don’t make it out of the rain as quickly as you’d hoped and those big fat heavy drops come on. They soak you but you still have to push on. Head down, feet pounding, hoping you’re moving in the right direction. The rain seeps through your coat and onto your clothes, then you feel it against your skin and layer by layer it infiltrates.

Eventually the sun comes out and the rain stops but as with stress, the effects take some time to dissipate. Just because the sun’s come out and the problem has gone away doesn’t mean you’re not still soaked through and feeling uncomfortable.

I wonder if someone will invent a stress poncho one day.

11. Lets Take Over The World… After This Little Kip

This week I’ve been reading about another blogger who writes on the subject of bipolar. She recently went to an awards ceremony which celebrated blogging and it struck me that she missed a trick there. She took the opportunity to speak about the condition and the benefits of blogging but if it was me, I think I’d try to get something a bit bigger going.

It has been suggested that the effects of a hypomanic episode could be linked to evolution. The person affected learns quicker, produces more work, becomes more creative, basically, excels during that time.

So just think about an award ceremony setting. That many bipolar type 2 people in one room. If we could synchronise our next hypomanic episode to coincide with a large gathering like a ceremony I reckon we’d have the combined power, speed, determination, creativity and the motivation to take over the world. And no one would suspect a thing, so no one could stop us!!

It’s genius. Of course we’d have to be careful. There’s bound to be at least one bipolar type 1 amongst us who gets over excited and tries to encourage a rogue faction of manic shoppers. No one can take over the world in 8 inch heels without a good supply of corn plasters, girls, and I’m not giving anyone a piggy back in my hour of glory.

I think if we time it right we could be in charge for a good four, maybe five days before the paranoia kicks in and we all have to go back to bed for a bit.

What an incredible 4 days they will be.

10. Choose Your Chocolates Wisely

I know I recommended to you last week that you should try to tell those around you how you’re feeling in order to survive the tougher times. I’d like to make an addendum to that and say that you might want to be a little bit picky about who you choose to tell.

I am trying to tell my husband a lot more often when things aren’t quite right with me and after the come down I’ve experienced recently I was finding today particularly hard to deal with. I told him this and I suppose that he did his best to help considering he is new to all this too. He tried the classic ‘life is like a box of chocolates,’ line but then he didn’t know when to stop. He proceeded to describe each and every ‘life’ chocolate in great detail, sometimes losing the plot along the way.

Apparently there’s the soft, gooey, coffee flavoured chocolates, his personal favourite I might add. Presumably those are the good days in life. Then there’s the tough, horrible, toffee chocolates (bad days?). And then sometimes you come across a surprise strawberry filling (no idea what day this is. Sunday perhaps). And sometime you come across a nutty one (presumably you should try to avoid marrying that one).
‘But there are also those nice dessert chocolates that you buy me for my birthday. I like those,’ he says.

And there you have it.

9. Black Holes

I started this blog with some trepidation, but I must admit it has helped me to focus on my condition in a way that I haven’t ever done before. However, in focussing on it more keenly I seem to have more and more questions about the condition.

I’d never read anything about Type 2 that relates to hallucinations or voices but the trusty old internet (surely it’s never wrong?) says that these are symptoms of Type 1, the more serious condition. I very much doubt I have Type 1 just because I have seen how hard it is for people to deal with and my hypomanic episodes don’t even vaguely resemble a manic episode in severity. So what’s going on? Could I have more than one condition? Wouldn’t that be fun! Most people collect spoons or Barbie’s but no, not me. I’ve started collecting psychotic disorders. So it’s on my ‘To Do’ list to speak to my psychiatrist and find out once and for all what’s going on.

Since writing this blog I’ve found a site that states hallucinations can occur in type 2 sufferers and that they will only appear in line with an episode of depression or mania, not during ‘remission’ which seems to match my symptoms. Phew. I’d hate to be considered weird or anything.

The last time I went I told him about the few episodes I’ve had (before I was diagnosed mostly) in which I was obviously experiencing a hypomanic episode from what my friends tell me. I was chatty and talking at 100 mph as well as telling jokes and making everyone laugh. But ask me when this was or who I was with and I couldn’t tell you. On three occasions I’ve been told by friends that I was doing or saying something and I don’t remember being in that time or place. After years of carrying this around I told my psychiatrist who reliably informed me that this is not normal. I’m not sure why I needed a psychiatrist to tell me this! I never really got an answer on that. Saying that, this is the same psychiatrist who once told me that I seem to have a heightened awareness of my condition. My condition is in my head, I couldn’t be more aware of it if I stepped in it.

My problem with having periods in my life in which I can’t recall a thing is not knowing for sure how many periods like this I’ve actually had and that’s when bipolar can become quite a scary condition.

So then I wanted to know whether bipolar is one of those things that with proper medication and a banana a day, would eventually go away. And it would appear I’m living in cloud cuckoo land if I believe that. There are periods in between hypomanic and depressive episodes where normality reigns. Some call these ‘periods of remission’. But I’ve also discovered that there are aspects of bipolar which can exist between episodes. I believe I suffer these as I’m rarely comfortable that I’m ever experiencing anything truly ‘normal’.

I find it equally odd that at times when I’m going through a hypomanic episode, I don’t know anything is wrong until I come out of it. Looking back is the only way I can tell that things haven’t been quite right, which makes it difficult to fill in a mood diary when you feel perfectly ok. Funnily enough it’s usually after these happy, more wired episodes that I feel I’m not sure I can carry on like this. It makes sense if you think about it. If you had the power to do anything you wanted, the conviction that you were capable of achieving those things and the belief that things could only get better for you for weeks and then you woke up one day to find that all of those things had been taken away from you, you might feel that you don’t want to keep going through that cycle of feelings either. It’s a tough fall to break and I quite often feel very battered by the landing.

Knowing why things are happening doesn’t make them any easier, but it does remind you that it won’t last forever.

8. Flashing Signs And Beepy Buttons

Humour is something my husband and I have always used to get us through the tough times that my non-stop mental health issues have put us through over the years. It’s hard to say where I’d be without him and it makes me wonder how others, who don’t have a strong framework of support, get by. This is the conversation we had at 6.15 this morning while he dropped me off at the train station.
‘I hate this car. There’s always a light flashing or an alarm beeping on it. It’s becoming less and less like a car and more like a low-standing shed every day. I’m just waiting for the wheels to drop off,’ he says while tapping the petrol light. I’m pretty sure that one needs attention whether it’s lying to him or not.
‘Why don’t you buy a new car?’ I ask.
‘Because we can’t afford it.’
‘Why don’t you swap it for something equally as pointless like an ice cream machine?’
‘How am I going to get to work on an ice cream machine? On a giant trail of Mr Whippy?’
‘Yeah,’ I laugh imagining the congestion that would cause. I can see him in a Mr Freeze outfit.
‘You’re not thinking this through, are you? Then I’d also have to buy a snowboard and that’s MORE cost.’
‘Oh yeah. Silly me.’

It made me think that there are times when you really want something more obvious to happen when you’re not feeling right. A flashing sign, beeping alarm or to turn up at work and find your psychiatrist waiting for you at your desk, picking through your best pens while pocketing a few paperclips. You’d know something was up then. How can you tell people that you’re not feeling right when actually you’re in a fabulous mood, ready to do karaoke at the drop of a hat, stand on tables, throw your knickers* at the DJ and be the life and soul of the party?

Depression is a little different in that it presents itself slightly more obviously, but again, there are a lot of people out there who are very good at hiding just how bad they’re feeling. But generally you can see that someone with depression is very down and not in a normal mental state. You can count the pills in the paracetamol packets every morning and you can keep an eye on things hoping that tomorrow the tide will turn and that person will start to feel better. You can feel slightly active in their care because you’re aware they need some, is what I’m getting at.

But, you try and stop someone experiencing hypomania from being overly happy or overly irritable and you’re likely to find yourself on the business end of a full-scale hissy fit. Rational behaviour like the rest of the world knows and expects from another human being isn’t always on the cards during a hypomanic episode. I would say ‘And certainly not during a manic episode,’ but I would be speculating. I don’t think anyone reading this needs or wants me to do that, but if you suffer these types of episodes yourself and want to leave a comment to educate me and other readers, then we’d be happy to read it.

They say that hypomania is often credited with increased creativity and productive energy. I definitely find this is the case. Most recently it has affected my work because that’s where my focus has been after finishing a long contract, but I have noticed, before diagnosis, that I would have regular and persistent periods where I would commit to something, a hobby say, like art. I would learn everything I could about it almost obsessively, develop very quickly, produce lots of work in a matter of months and then, for no apparent reason, totally lose interest and never go back to it again. Not having any idea what bipolar was at that time I can’t say whether these phases coincided with any mood changes but I suspect there was more going on than I was fully aware of.

My point is (yes I do have one), the best way to let others know how you’re feeling is to tell them. It’s taken me a very long time to come to this conclusion because, as I’ve said before, bipolar can be pretty scary. The symptoms are one thing, but it’s the unknown reactions of others that has scared me more. I don’t want people to look at me differently just because they now know I have a bunch of people talking in my head or because I see werewolves in car parks. I mean really, people, do you have to judge?

The surprising thing is, I don’t think many people do judge. In the few weeks I’ve been posting this blog I’ve had no strange or probing questions, I haven’t found any ambulances pulling up at my front door to take me away. What I have found is a lot of private message from people who find life hard in their own way, telling me they think I’m brave for sharing. And that’s truly lovely to hear. It’s been a relief and a release, because I’ve been carrying this stuff around for a long old time now. Perhaps, with the help of both friends and strangers I’ll be brave enough to let a lot of my issues go and trust that everyone will understand.


*I would like to make the point that I have never thrown my knickers at ANYONE. And that time I threw them at the cat I was actually aiming for the wash basket. Just wanted to make that clear.

7. You Can’t Miss What You Don’t Remember Having

Things have been going downhill lately. Since last Wednesday I’ve started sleeping for at least 12 hours a night, I have no energy and my memory is REALLY suffering.

I hadn’t realised before now but for the last 6 to 8 weeks I’ve been on a bit of a high. I’ve felt excited all the time, motivated to work really hard and get lots done and I’ve been achieving loads. I even thought my memory was improving dramatically. Then last week, for some reason, I started to crash.

I went home Wednesday night feeling a little tired, got in around 7pm and by 7.30 I was in bed and asleep. I didn’t think too much of it until the next morning when I noticed that not only did I feel exhausted but I didn’t have the usual jittery feeling I get in my chest when I’m excited and which had been with me the past 2 months. It had disappeared over night and the motivated, go-getting me had been replaced by a teletubby. And did I tell you that my memory is absolutely shot?

I had a meeting with my boss that basically turned into one giant game of charades. I couldn’t remember a thing I was going to talk to him about and my notes from go-getter me weren’t detailed enough to fill in the gaps. I spent the entire hour waving my arms around and making hand gestures (most of them polite). ‘You know the thing you asked me to do last week,’ I say hoping that from the 1000 things he’s working on at present he will pick out the exact thing I’m referring to, because otherwise this conversation is screwed. ‘Er,’ he starts and I scan my notes quickly for clues. ‘The contract work?’ ‘No,’ I say, I think it was another thing. To do with resellers.’ ‘Oh yes,’ he says, setting back into his seat, happy that he has helped. ‘How did you get on?’ ‘Well,’ I say, gesturing wildly, I don’t know why. Perhaps the recesses of my mind have dug up some Derren Brown style trickery and the gesturing is designed to hypnotise him into thinking I know what I’m doing. It doesn’t appear to be working. The whole meeting goes on like this with him guessing whether I’m talking about a book, a film or a contract! By the end of the meeting we’re both exhausted and I feel like I have a lot more sympathy for Lionel Blair. His job was HARD!

Oh, and just one more thing. My memory! Oh my god, you wouldn’t believe how bad it is now!!

4. Vanilla Me, A Second Scoop

I think I must have spent around 2 years hiding my symptoms until it became more and more obvious to me just how debilitating they were becoming. I finally relented and told my psychiatrist. He is a wonderful man who taught me a lot but it still took a lot of courage to tell him. I don’t think I stopped being scared about the repercussions of telling someone until… well, I’m not sure I’m all that secure about it now. I still don’t tell anyone I work with although I do write a letter to personnel stating what my condition is and that it hasn’t affected my work before now if I’m taken on somewhere new. This covers you because if you take a job and later on something about your condition manifests which means you need to go part time or take some time off to treat it, you can’t be accused of withholding anything from your employer. Believe me, I’ve been in that situation before and I was glad I’d written the letter then!


But back to my psychiatrist. He surprised me when I told him. I didn’t tell him everything, of course. Just about the noise in my head and how difficult I was finding things. He knew immediately that it was bipolar and recommended I go on lithium that same day.


I then had to go through blood tests and ECGs to make sure I could take it because of how strong it is. You want to be scared, you just need to take a look at the list of side effects that stuff can cause.


Pretty soon I started taking the lithium and within days my hands had started to shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t read a book because the shaking made each page blur! I also started to drink pints and pints of water every day. I was so thirsty all the time.


And then one day, I was walking along the street thinking about life in general, and someone switched the world’s colour on. Just for a few minutes my surroundings went from black and white, 2D, to 3D, full colour. Things had meaning, people’s faces weren’t flat with nothing behind them, they had souls and personalities and warm, red blood running through their veins giving them a pink, rosy glow. I nearly cried, I was so overwhelmed by this amazing revelation, at this riot of colour and clarity and beauty before me. My head was clear. I could hear my own thoughts and I had no doubt they were correct and being contorted by nothing. I remember it so clearly that even today, two years later, I could tell you where I was and what I was looking at when the world filled out in front of me.


And then it disappeared again. Life returned to 2D, grey, with constant noise in my head and negative thoughts skipping through my brain, skewering anything light and happy that dared pass by in front of them. But I was elated. If this was what was to come then bring it on!


I started to look forward to those moments of clarity which, over the following weeks, grew longer and more intense. It was like I’d been living in a dark, cold dungeon all my life up until then and someone had just unlocked the door to the outside world.


And so here I am. The person I always knew I was supposed to be but who was beaten down by mental illness for years. I still have a lot of days where I don’t feel right, obviously, but for the most part my life is better due to the medication.


Before I forget, I saw a werewolf today. It was cool.