You know, I often wonder how I managed to get anyone to marry me. My husband doesn’t just have to put up with the usual stuff that a husband puts up with like arguments about the bills, deciding whose job it is to take the rubbish out, or whether there’s likely to be a nuclear fallout if he forgets to empty the cat litter tray on one more occasion. He has to contend with one or two more delights thanks to the personality issues that ensue in our household. I wonder if he would have been so keen to get a ring on my finger had he met me through the ‘Bipolar Dating Ads’.
Elle’s Dating Profile:
Described by some as ‘quirky’ I can be a giant, teary-eyed, ball of energy when I want to be. Always on the receiving end of an arrest warrant, the police just love my sense of humour. If I’m not being the life of the party myself then usually Janice, (she’s the voice in my head – oh she’s a scream), will take over and get things going.
I have developed a close friendship with the ‘c’ word over the years and use it with wild abandon to describe anyone from dictators I see on the news to whoever took the last Twix out of the cupboard. I am willing to give up this friendship for the right man and a lockable storage box.
I have certain ‘toxic’ medications which keep me on an even keel but sometimes I forget to take them. I’m sure you’ll find we have a lot in common if you’ve ever:
• Found yourself balled up in the corner of your bathroom, rocking and crying, because you’ve just discovered you’re down to your last tube of toothpaste.
• Decided that the bus driver who didn’t smile at you this morning when you smiled at him obviously hates you and you must now analyse every aspect of your personality in order to discover what’s fundamentally wrong with you as a human being.
• Decided that the bus driver who DID smile at you this morning when you smiled at him obviously fancies you desperately and you must now analyse every aspect of your life in case making a new life for yourself with said bus driver is an option.
The cat and I have made a pact with the devil. I feel any potential mate should know about this. It’s only fair. We are both going to live forever and love and snuggle with each other every single day. You, however, need to make your own arrangements.
I’m very versatile, able to make the best of any situation. For example, this morning I was on the train and my nose started to run. I reached into my bag for a tissue and it wasn’t until I got the ‘tissue’ to my nose that I realised I was in fact about to blow my nose on a panty liner. A quick scan of the train carriage informed me that no one had noticed and therefore, I can reliably inform you that they ARE as absorbent as the manufacturer states. Versatile. That’s me.
And finally, if you were to date me and decide that you no longer wish to see me but I decide I would like to carry on seeing you, I reserve the right to become obsessed with and/or stalk you. Terms and conditions of stalking can be obtained through written request, however, since I find it impossible to believe that my behaviour constitutes stalking my response will mostly include the words ‘F**K’ and ‘YOU’.
Now who wouldn’t marry that?!
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