I’ve promised myself that I’m going to be more positive in this blog. It’s not good to keep ranting and raving and going on because I’m miserable. I’m going to focus on the positives in life and I’m going to use Tony Robbins to do it! Only because I can get free videos on YouTube and his talks usually last as long as my journey home. Bonus. See how positive I am?!
I was reading an interview with Executive Producer and Writer, Bob Lowry. He stated that he had been in therapy a lot over the years and that one therapist once said to him ‘Most people don’t wake up until they know they’re going to die.’ Ok, so this isn’t taking the cheery turn I had hoped for but I’m going to try hard to save this blog. Bear with me. Well what Tony says is similar to that way of thinking but he applies a little more to it. He states that not taking the opportunity to make the right choices for you can lead to depression and people wanting to end it all, because they’re miserable.
I think both of these statements are true. In one statement the results of impending doom can lead to a more positive outlook. In the other, positive changes early on can help to avoid a negative outcome. I expect most of us sleepwalk through life. I know I do and I put that down to the fact I wasn’t medicated for bipolar until 2 years ago. I have achieved a lot in those 2 years now that I have some clarity in my head but I know that I could have achieved more if things had gone differently. For others illness isn’t a factor but normal, everyday things can be. How many of you are putting off living your dreams while you raise your children, which could potentially take 20 years away from you while you wait. How many of us go to work every day and dream of being something else? Have you signed up to a course so you can start that degree or is money holding you back? Let’s face it, none of us ever have enough time or money and we use these obstacles as a reason for not moving forward with our dreams and desires.
Since I started this blog I’ve been reliving my dreams from my teen years of becoming a professional writer. The fact that I don’t know where to start, how to approach newspapers, can’t finish a novel to save my life, struggle with storylines in scripts and have major problems with tenses (you’ve probably noticed) isn’t going to stop me! I have a plan. I’m going to research tense and really try hard to perfect that as it affects every aspect of my writing. Then I’m going to send any articles and blog links to various appropriate papers, magazines and forums for review. It’s not a glamorous start but it’s a realistic one. And on top of it all it gives me a goal to work towards and a positive outlook on my future, which has helped with my depression a little.
https://www.facebook.com/myfamilyandjanice?ref=hl#!/AForayIntoPsychology/photos/a.252429588193012.38575.178422632260375/436848546417781/?type=1&theater
As Tony says, the key to starting to resolve issues in your life and feeling as if you’re taking some control is to take a problem and keep it realistic. We are all capable of dramatizing and catastrophising which blows our problems out of all proportions. An example of this, say you’re overweight. You may feel there’s nothing you can do about this. You justify that by saying ‘I’m big boned.’ Think about this reasoning for remaining unhappy with your weight. You’ve basically said there is nothing you can do about your situation. You can’t change your bone structure, size or weight, so you’re NEVER going to be happy about it. A better way of looking at your situation is to be realistic. You eat badly, but you don’t’ know how to change that. That’s understandable. I had no education in nutrition and a bad upbringing which left me with anxiety about hoarding food and overeating. I know changing these aspects of your life is not easy. But making a doctor’s appointment is easy. Speaking to the doctor and admitting that you just don’t know what to do to change this and would like some dietary advice is a small step in the right direction, and suddenly you’ve taken some control. This is a basic example but it does show how we over-think things and put obstacles in our own way at times.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, 20 September 2014
Saturday, 6 September 2014
30. Pretending To Be Me
More and more lately I’ve been feeling the effects of depression in between the moments of feeling nothing at all. I’m acting a little bit like a pregnant woman right now. I can go from nought to snot inducing crying phase in sixty seconds. And in those moments that’s when the world turns into a dark place. All my fears come rising to the surface, all my pain comes to call and my mind throws things at me which make me feel entirely worthless.
It’s at times like these that I wonder whether I can keep going with all this bipolar nonsense. It’s not as if having an understanding of this condition makes it any easier to live with. It’s not as if talking provides a cure. I’ve come to the realisation lately that there has never been a true moment of clarity in my entire life where I’ve known that the decisions I’m making are mine and mine alone and that I’ll stick with them. I’ve never been happy because from one week to the next something inside me keeps changing the rules. It’s like playing a game that you’re never going to win. And not a cool game like Super Mario or, during the speedier times, Sonic. No, it’s like playing Monopoly over and over again. Or as my husband calls it, Monotony. There is no winning. There’s just hard choices and times when you’re functional and have money and property then times when you can’t function and find you’ve lost everything. But just like the pieces on that board, you’re pretty much alone the whole time.
And the loneliness. Oh how I love that feeling. Not being able to connect to others because you can’t even bring yourself to like what you are. Well thanks for that one, Universe! And what’s the alternative? A ten minute session once every 3-6 months with a trainee psychiatrist, carrying on as best you can, pretending that you are the person you present to everyone, or giving in to it and becoming the insane, vibrating, paranoid, debilitated by OCD fruitcake who needs around the clock care that you know lives just a centimetre or so beneath your skin. There have been so many times in my life when I’ve thought about giving in to that but I’m not sure that giving up would be any better. It seems to me it would take less work to give up than to keep going and from what I understand there are drugs like Diazepam on tap in hospital, which is an incentive, but I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that state. No coming back and no way out.
So I live the lie. The one in which I work to the best of my ability, the one in which I embrace my fate, take my pills every day, wonder quietly about whether I will ever actually make a decision I can live with forever and tell people that I wish there was a cure for bipolar. But even that’s a lie. I don’t wish there was a cure. I wish there was a way to balance the chemicals in my brain so that I was always productive, creative, full of energy and able to do everything in life with ease. I want to be in a permanent state of hypo-mania. Sometimes I wonder whether my constant desire to have the things I can’t reach is born of those times when I’m in a hypo-manic state.
I’m reminded of Tennyson’s poem, ‘In Memoriam A.H.H.’ in which he states ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’. And in contrast, Hunter S. Thompson’s quote ‘You can’t miss what you never had.’ That is my life all over, it seems. The polarity of these two statements mirrors the polarity of my entire existence.
Let me explain.
Tis better to have loved and lost. Tis better to have experienced a period of hypomanic behaviour during which you were productive, creative, happy, wild and carefree than never to have experienced one at all. Then, when you lose that feeling, despite feeling as if your wings have been clipped and the ensuing depression which takes over and the reminder that you once had a hell of a lot more control over your life, this is still a better state to be in, than to NEVER have experienced this state.
You can’t miss what you never had. You never experience hypo-mania, you never know that there is any other way of feeling than the normal range of emotions you go through. Your life is generally calm and collected with no dire need for excitement, no possibility of hallucinations and no desire to leave your life as it is and start a new one in a commune in LA.
So you can see which statement I feel more of an affinity with. Because let’s face it, it really IS worse to have experienced something amazing and then have it taken away from you, despite the fact that state also comes with hallucinations and other such novelties.
So will I ever be happy? Will I ever be content with my lot in life? It would appear this is something I should put to the latest trainee psychiatrist and see what they think. I’m sure they’ll have the answer I seek!
It’s at times like these that I wonder whether I can keep going with all this bipolar nonsense. It’s not as if having an understanding of this condition makes it any easier to live with. It’s not as if talking provides a cure. I’ve come to the realisation lately that there has never been a true moment of clarity in my entire life where I’ve known that the decisions I’m making are mine and mine alone and that I’ll stick with them. I’ve never been happy because from one week to the next something inside me keeps changing the rules. It’s like playing a game that you’re never going to win. And not a cool game like Super Mario or, during the speedier times, Sonic. No, it’s like playing Monopoly over and over again. Or as my husband calls it, Monotony. There is no winning. There’s just hard choices and times when you’re functional and have money and property then times when you can’t function and find you’ve lost everything. But just like the pieces on that board, you’re pretty much alone the whole time.
And the loneliness. Oh how I love that feeling. Not being able to connect to others because you can’t even bring yourself to like what you are. Well thanks for that one, Universe! And what’s the alternative? A ten minute session once every 3-6 months with a trainee psychiatrist, carrying on as best you can, pretending that you are the person you present to everyone, or giving in to it and becoming the insane, vibrating, paranoid, debilitated by OCD fruitcake who needs around the clock care that you know lives just a centimetre or so beneath your skin. There have been so many times in my life when I’ve thought about giving in to that but I’m not sure that giving up would be any better. It seems to me it would take less work to give up than to keep going and from what I understand there are drugs like Diazepam on tap in hospital, which is an incentive, but I’m not sure there’s any coming back from that state. No coming back and no way out.
So I live the lie. The one in which I work to the best of my ability, the one in which I embrace my fate, take my pills every day, wonder quietly about whether I will ever actually make a decision I can live with forever and tell people that I wish there was a cure for bipolar. But even that’s a lie. I don’t wish there was a cure. I wish there was a way to balance the chemicals in my brain so that I was always productive, creative, full of energy and able to do everything in life with ease. I want to be in a permanent state of hypo-mania. Sometimes I wonder whether my constant desire to have the things I can’t reach is born of those times when I’m in a hypo-manic state.
I’m reminded of Tennyson’s poem, ‘In Memoriam A.H.H.’ in which he states ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’. And in contrast, Hunter S. Thompson’s quote ‘You can’t miss what you never had.’ That is my life all over, it seems. The polarity of these two statements mirrors the polarity of my entire existence.
Let me explain.
Tis better to have loved and lost. Tis better to have experienced a period of hypomanic behaviour during which you were productive, creative, happy, wild and carefree than never to have experienced one at all. Then, when you lose that feeling, despite feeling as if your wings have been clipped and the ensuing depression which takes over and the reminder that you once had a hell of a lot more control over your life, this is still a better state to be in, than to NEVER have experienced this state.
You can’t miss what you never had. You never experience hypo-mania, you never know that there is any other way of feeling than the normal range of emotions you go through. Your life is generally calm and collected with no dire need for excitement, no possibility of hallucinations and no desire to leave your life as it is and start a new one in a commune in LA.
So you can see which statement I feel more of an affinity with. Because let’s face it, it really IS worse to have experienced something amazing and then have it taken away from you, despite the fact that state also comes with hallucinations and other such novelties.
So will I ever be happy? Will I ever be content with my lot in life? It would appear this is something I should put to the latest trainee psychiatrist and see what they think. I’m sure they’ll have the answer I seek!
Saturday, 28 June 2014
20. Mr Starey And The Case Of The Missing Pants
My hubby has decided that we need a break (a holiday break, not an ‘I’m leaving and I’m taking the hamster’ break) and so he has booked a weekend away for us in Devon. Now I’m quite geographically challenged so if the place I describe sounds more like Weymouth, don’t be surprised.
We decided that Linton was the place for us. We’ve been before, about twelve years ago and loved it, partly because it’s sleepy and relaxing out of season and partly because it has a fantastic art gallery which very kindly takes lots of money off of us in exchange for beautiful things which would be pointless in a flood. Not sure why that’s relevant but my thinking is that sometimes you have to have beautiful things in your life, even if using them for kindling in an apocalyptic situation might break your heart. I guess it’s them or the cat and I’m not sure the cat would make good kindling. If you ate a cat would it taste like Whiskas? Just a thought.
Anyway, Linton is a great place. It’s a secret St Ives in my opinion. Years ago St Ives was a place artistic types could go to be inspired by the sea, make pottery and remain drunk or stoned throughout high season with everyone else being far too busy to notice. I’d say that between 50-75% of the business owners, artists and residents that we met in Linton fell within the category ‘child of the sixties’. I’m not sure I had an entirely sensible conversation with a single one of them.
The hotel played awful fifties music at breakfast which was, thankfully, the only time we were there to endure it. I honestly believe that songs with the words ‘Gee’ and ‘Whizz’ should probably be reclassified as offensive and never played again except by old people, in their own kitchens, at home. If grandkids call round there must be a strong cease and desist policy lest they be charged with child abuse and if the neighbours can hear it because the oldies have their back door ajar, a complaint should be sent to the council and the couple considered for immediate eviction.
It was worse than when we went to Bulgaria around 10 years ago. There they played Eminem morning noon and night. Eminem at breakfast. Eminem at dinner. Eminem in the lifts. Eminem in the public loo. I’m not sure if he was paying them or they were paying him but there was some sort of underhanded deal going on.
We quickly found the gallery we love and decided, as you do, that we were only going to look this time and if we bought something it would be one picture at a sensible price. Two hours later we found ourselves shoe-horning 4 extremely large pictures into my Toyota Aygo which has a boot the size of a postage stamp. We considered we may have to leave the suitcases behind but I can buy clothes anywhere. This is ART!
The first evening there we booked into a Spanish restaurant which had about 7 tables squeezed into it. The buzz of the place was nice but when you’re sitting elbow to elbow with people you’ve got to hope they’ll be nice, normal folks.
To my left I had a man who wouldn’t stop staring at me the entire night. I don’t think he was looking at anything in particular, he just seemed to want to peer into my soul and choke it to death with his cold, dead eyes - that’s all.
To my right was a man wearing flesh coloured trousers and a red jumper, which was equally as disturbing as Mr Starey simply because whenever I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye, it looked as if he was wearing nothing BUT a red jumper. I kept wanting him to get up so I could wipe the seat down.
As the night went on Mr Starey proceeded to develop a cold or perhaps an allergy to sanity and sneezed loudly into his own hand on several occasions. This wasn’t so bad because it did mean he had to take his eyes off me while he wiped said hand on his khakis. Relief from one awful habit was followed only by the taste of my own sick as another revealed itself.
The food was actually very nice. We had a selection of tapas. Meatballs, lemon prawns, crostini, pork skewers and olives. All of which were lovely. The lemon prawns in particular reminded me of those wipes you used to get in a small metallic wrapper. You take them out, wipe your hands and invariably somehow get the taste of lemon soap in your mouth. Yes, very reminiscent of flights to Amsterdam.
End of day one.
Saturday, 14 June 2014
18. Just Who’s In Charge Here?!
Apart from finding myself in situations where I’ve given in to my irrational feelings and behaviours, I also find it very difficult to figure out who, or what, is making the decisions in my life sometimes.
The most recent example I can think of is my last contract. The one at the IT company came to an end recently. That was the one where I dared to call 2 of my team mates old women when the workload got a bit frantic and they started flapping about one week. I politely advised them to join the Women’s Institute, and was never able to live it down with the rest of the team. From then on, every time I received an email request for software it would usually be accompanied by an order for raspberry jam. Anyway, before my contract actually ended they offered me a job... and a scone.
All the while they were talking about the job I was very excited and determined I was going to take it when they made the offer official. My hubby kept telling me to consider my options and think about the benefits of contracting and how much I like the freedom of it, but I told him this was a great IT company and it would stand me in good stead for the rest of my career if I took the job.
Then they actually offered it to me and I suddenly felt bored by the whole thing. I couldn’t be bothered to read the spec, stopped trying too hard, lost my motivation and eventually decided I really didn’t want the job at all. By which time my hubby was trying to convince me to take it because a week ago I’d been extoling the virtues of a career with a steady pay cheque. Poor guy doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going.
It’s this massive swing in opinion, desire, direction, call it what you want, that drives him a little potty. He never knows which me is talking or when the scenery might change. Can you imagine decorating a room with me? You’d start in pink only to find me crying on the stairs because ‘when I said pink I wanted yellow.’ How does anyone stand a chance?
How can you ever be sure that your decision isn’t based on a dip in mood or the fact you forgot to take your pills yesterday or even a bad night’s sleep? And if I can’t answer that, being the one who experiences these swings, how can I expect anyone else to? My counsellor (yes I’m lucky enough to have access to one) told me that when I’m going through an episode of any sort I need to use my feelings to direct me, but not in the actual decision making process. What she was explaining was that it’s useful to analyse your feelings and moods, decide whether you feel you’re in a rational or clear frame of mind based on those feelings and then decide whether now is even the right time for you to be making any large decisions. If you feel you’re capable of making one you won’t regret then you should include logical thought and facts in the decision making process and not let your emotions lead you entirely.
I should think that a lot of us will find it hard to fight the impulses that bipolar sends to our brains but what she is also advising is that we slow down and take our time over decisions. This is good advice I feel. Whether I can do it or not is down to me and the discipline I will need to muster.
My manager once said to me that when dealing with a bully you have to stay calm and outwit them. Bullies work on emotion. Their arguments are based on it and therefore logic doesn’t come into their thinking. This struck a chord with me. Not that I class myself as a bully, but the thought that irrational and aggressive behaviour is born of emotion makes total sense. Emotion has no tether after all, no desire other than to be calmed and the only way to do that is to reason with it.
So there you go. Reason with emotion.
Good luck with THAT!
The most recent example I can think of is my last contract. The one at the IT company came to an end recently. That was the one where I dared to call 2 of my team mates old women when the workload got a bit frantic and they started flapping about one week. I politely advised them to join the Women’s Institute, and was never able to live it down with the rest of the team. From then on, every time I received an email request for software it would usually be accompanied by an order for raspberry jam. Anyway, before my contract actually ended they offered me a job... and a scone.
All the while they were talking about the job I was very excited and determined I was going to take it when they made the offer official. My hubby kept telling me to consider my options and think about the benefits of contracting and how much I like the freedom of it, but I told him this was a great IT company and it would stand me in good stead for the rest of my career if I took the job.
Then they actually offered it to me and I suddenly felt bored by the whole thing. I couldn’t be bothered to read the spec, stopped trying too hard, lost my motivation and eventually decided I really didn’t want the job at all. By which time my hubby was trying to convince me to take it because a week ago I’d been extoling the virtues of a career with a steady pay cheque. Poor guy doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going.
It’s this massive swing in opinion, desire, direction, call it what you want, that drives him a little potty. He never knows which me is talking or when the scenery might change. Can you imagine decorating a room with me? You’d start in pink only to find me crying on the stairs because ‘when I said pink I wanted yellow.’ How does anyone stand a chance?
How can you ever be sure that your decision isn’t based on a dip in mood or the fact you forgot to take your pills yesterday or even a bad night’s sleep? And if I can’t answer that, being the one who experiences these swings, how can I expect anyone else to? My counsellor (yes I’m lucky enough to have access to one) told me that when I’m going through an episode of any sort I need to use my feelings to direct me, but not in the actual decision making process. What she was explaining was that it’s useful to analyse your feelings and moods, decide whether you feel you’re in a rational or clear frame of mind based on those feelings and then decide whether now is even the right time for you to be making any large decisions. If you feel you’re capable of making one you won’t regret then you should include logical thought and facts in the decision making process and not let your emotions lead you entirely.
I should think that a lot of us will find it hard to fight the impulses that bipolar sends to our brains but what she is also advising is that we slow down and take our time over decisions. This is good advice I feel. Whether I can do it or not is down to me and the discipline I will need to muster.
My manager once said to me that when dealing with a bully you have to stay calm and outwit them. Bullies work on emotion. Their arguments are based on it and therefore logic doesn’t come into their thinking. This struck a chord with me. Not that I class myself as a bully, but the thought that irrational and aggressive behaviour is born of emotion makes total sense. Emotion has no tether after all, no desire other than to be calmed and the only way to do that is to reason with it.
So there you go. Reason with emotion.
Good luck with THAT!
Saturday, 24 May 2014
15. Alcohol And Take Aways...Mmm
As a continuation of last week’s blog here are some things I’ve found which have helped me to create a little bit of calm in my BPD teacup since diagnosis.
I’m not putting these things down on paper to try to guilt anyone else into doing something that doesn’t sit well with them. I’m just trying to let you know that these things work for me and therefore they might work for you if you fancy trying them.
My first line ‘Follow a bit of a routine’ might horrify some of you. The thought of it horrifies me. I’m a free spirit. Wild and young(ish) and I don’t want to be bogged down by routines and boring schedules. But I have discovered you can have a ‘bit’ of a routine which satisfies the disorders needs but still gives you freedom to live your life the way you want to. So bear that in mind before you storm out of my blog having decided I must have a stick up my bottom. I can assure, you that’s something I save for the weekends.
Follow a bit of a routine – It doesn’t have to be set in stone but it does help. Go to bed at a set time and plan to get 8 hours of sleep a night. A routine involving bath and bed, aromatherapy, or something relaxing and pampering like moisturising will help you feel as if you’re doing something for you, rather than getting an early night just so work comes around quicker!
Avoid alcohol as often as possible – Obviously you don’t want to offend by not toasting the bride but equally going on a vodka-laced bender over the weekend isn’t likely to make you feel on top of the world afterward.
Caffeine – I’ve found I’m surprisingly sensitive to caffeine and if I drink it after midday I won’t sleep and quite often feel anxious all day. If you get jittery periods try limiting your caffeine intake to the mornings for a week and see if it makes any difference.
Diet – Take a look at what you eat. We’re all guilty of eating fast food, packet meals, ready-made goodies and sweets for energy but you may find that all the hidden additives and sugars are playing havoc with your mood and ability to relax. Plus you really don’t know what it’s doing to your physical health. I once had a cold for two and a half months! It would NOT go away. I changed my diet and hey presto… well, it turned into a chest infection. But after THAT, I was good.
Exercise – This doesn’t have to be blood pounding, run a marathon, Kung Fu kick your way out of a drug fuelled district of LA with Jackie Chan behind you, style exercise. Yoga can be incredibly relaxing while toning and tightening the muscles. Most yoga classes will tag on a period of meditation to the end too, which is great for the soul. And it’s funny to hear people snoring when they drop off. I’ve seen young and old do yoga and I’d say the hardest thing about it is stopping yourself from giggling when someone accidently lets one rip.
http://authentichappiness4live.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/does-exercising-make-us-happier/
Doctors – Keep your appointments and, if you can, keep a mood diary. I’m not great at taking my own advice here but it is a great way for a doctor, who may only see you for 10 minutes every 3 to 6 months to know what’s been going on with you. Only you know how you feel and if you feel the doc is downplaying something, push a bit harder to get a response that satisfies or take someone with you who will push for you when you’re just not feeling up to it.
Caregivers – When you, as a bipolar sufferer, are feeling well it’s a good idea to turn to your caregiver and make sure they are looking after themself too. Most of us only have 1 person we rely on heavily and that person often has to neglect their own needs to help us with ours, which can be stressful for them. It doesn’t hurt to make sure they know how much you love them for the things they do.
What works for you? Please let us know in the comments section.
Next week I’ll be reviewing mood diary apps.
I’m not putting these things down on paper to try to guilt anyone else into doing something that doesn’t sit well with them. I’m just trying to let you know that these things work for me and therefore they might work for you if you fancy trying them.
My first line ‘Follow a bit of a routine’ might horrify some of you. The thought of it horrifies me. I’m a free spirit. Wild and young(ish) and I don’t want to be bogged down by routines and boring schedules. But I have discovered you can have a ‘bit’ of a routine which satisfies the disorders needs but still gives you freedom to live your life the way you want to. So bear that in mind before you storm out of my blog having decided I must have a stick up my bottom. I can assure, you that’s something I save for the weekends.
Follow a bit of a routine – It doesn’t have to be set in stone but it does help. Go to bed at a set time and plan to get 8 hours of sleep a night. A routine involving bath and bed, aromatherapy, or something relaxing and pampering like moisturising will help you feel as if you’re doing something for you, rather than getting an early night just so work comes around quicker!
Avoid alcohol as often as possible – Obviously you don’t want to offend by not toasting the bride but equally going on a vodka-laced bender over the weekend isn’t likely to make you feel on top of the world afterward.
Caffeine – I’ve found I’m surprisingly sensitive to caffeine and if I drink it after midday I won’t sleep and quite often feel anxious all day. If you get jittery periods try limiting your caffeine intake to the mornings for a week and see if it makes any difference.
Diet – Take a look at what you eat. We’re all guilty of eating fast food, packet meals, ready-made goodies and sweets for energy but you may find that all the hidden additives and sugars are playing havoc with your mood and ability to relax. Plus you really don’t know what it’s doing to your physical health. I once had a cold for two and a half months! It would NOT go away. I changed my diet and hey presto… well, it turned into a chest infection. But after THAT, I was good.
Exercise – This doesn’t have to be blood pounding, run a marathon, Kung Fu kick your way out of a drug fuelled district of LA with Jackie Chan behind you, style exercise. Yoga can be incredibly relaxing while toning and tightening the muscles. Most yoga classes will tag on a period of meditation to the end too, which is great for the soul. And it’s funny to hear people snoring when they drop off. I’ve seen young and old do yoga and I’d say the hardest thing about it is stopping yourself from giggling when someone accidently lets one rip.
http://authentichappiness4live.wordpress.com/2014/03/11/does-exercising-make-us-happier/
Doctors – Keep your appointments and, if you can, keep a mood diary. I’m not great at taking my own advice here but it is a great way for a doctor, who may only see you for 10 minutes every 3 to 6 months to know what’s been going on with you. Only you know how you feel and if you feel the doc is downplaying something, push a bit harder to get a response that satisfies or take someone with you who will push for you when you’re just not feeling up to it.
Caregivers – When you, as a bipolar sufferer, are feeling well it’s a good idea to turn to your caregiver and make sure they are looking after themself too. Most of us only have 1 person we rely on heavily and that person often has to neglect their own needs to help us with ours, which can be stressful for them. It doesn’t hurt to make sure they know how much you love them for the things they do.
What works for you? Please let us know in the comments section.
Next week I’ll be reviewing mood diary apps.
Saturday, 10 May 2014
13. Ginger Sheepdogs
Despite feeling unmotivated at work recently, I do still appreciate everyone I work with. They are a lovely bunch. This morning I went downstairs to find a load of them having a christening party for Romulus and Remus, the two new servers. I’d like to believe my colleagues named them that because they’re all big fans of Roman legend, but I have a sneaking suspicion I may be wrong about that.
On a different note, I read recently that there are also physical symptoms connected to bipolar such as obesity, heart disease and diabetes. These are often linked with the medication used to treat the disorder and a lot of people writing about this subject on the internet express concern that the medical profession doesn’t seem to consider it to be an issue in as far as helping sufferers to control the effects of weight gain, not to mention the subsequent health problems this weight gain can cause.
It made me think that I really should try to lose some weight. Unfortunately for me I’m a bit of a lazy moo and my first thought was ‘I’ll start with a haircut.’ I have really thick hair (imagine an old English Sheepdog, in a car, on a hot day – that’s me. With a hint of ginger). So I think I can probably lose a good half pound just by getting the shears out.
Then there’s jewellery. I like big, chunky costume jewellery. I could probably lose a half a stone if I ditch that for plastic bangles.
I’m wondering how much a middle toe weighs. I mean, as far as amputating limbs for weight loss goes I feel a leg or major organ might be going a bit too far, but I could probably lose a toe or two and not even notice it.
I guess I could eat a salad or two as well but only if it’s accompanied by chips and bbq sauce, plus some chicken wings and hold the salad.
Just a side note. If you’re thinking that the underwire from your bra probably weighs a lot, I can tell you, it doesn’t. Plus, removing it just presents a whole NEW set of problems.
On a different note, I read recently that there are also physical symptoms connected to bipolar such as obesity, heart disease and diabetes. These are often linked with the medication used to treat the disorder and a lot of people writing about this subject on the internet express concern that the medical profession doesn’t seem to consider it to be an issue in as far as helping sufferers to control the effects of weight gain, not to mention the subsequent health problems this weight gain can cause.
It made me think that I really should try to lose some weight. Unfortunately for me I’m a bit of a lazy moo and my first thought was ‘I’ll start with a haircut.’ I have really thick hair (imagine an old English Sheepdog, in a car, on a hot day – that’s me. With a hint of ginger). So I think I can probably lose a good half pound just by getting the shears out.
Then there’s jewellery. I like big, chunky costume jewellery. I could probably lose a half a stone if I ditch that for plastic bangles.
I’m wondering how much a middle toe weighs. I mean, as far as amputating limbs for weight loss goes I feel a leg or major organ might be going a bit too far, but I could probably lose a toe or two and not even notice it.
I guess I could eat a salad or two as well but only if it’s accompanied by chips and bbq sauce, plus some chicken wings and hold the salad.
Just a side note. If you’re thinking that the underwire from your bra probably weighs a lot, I can tell you, it doesn’t. Plus, removing it just presents a whole NEW set of problems.
Saturday, 3 May 2014
12. Stress Is Like Rain
The weather in the UK right now is awful. It’s been raining so hard my hair goes frizzy just looking at it.
My poor husband is suffering from stress at the moment. He’s trying to do 2 jobs, deal with troublesome staff, help me, we’ve had things happen which have affected our marriage badly recently and neither of us has had a day off in over a year. Life’s been tough this past year, in many ways, and I think it’s all catching up with us now.
I was walking in the rain this morning and it occurred to me that stress is a bit like rain. It usually starts off as just a drizzle, which you can live with. You quicken your pace in order to try to get out of it faster. But sometimes you don’t make it out of the rain as quickly as you’d hoped and those big fat heavy drops come on. They soak you but you still have to push on. Head down, feet pounding, hoping you’re moving in the right direction. The rain seeps through your coat and onto your clothes, then you feel it against your skin and layer by layer it infiltrates.
Eventually the sun comes out and the rain stops but as with stress, the effects take some time to dissipate. Just because the sun’s come out and the problem has gone away doesn’t mean you’re not still soaked through and feeling uncomfortable.
I wonder if someone will invent a stress poncho one day.
My poor husband is suffering from stress at the moment. He’s trying to do 2 jobs, deal with troublesome staff, help me, we’ve had things happen which have affected our marriage badly recently and neither of us has had a day off in over a year. Life’s been tough this past year, in many ways, and I think it’s all catching up with us now.
I was walking in the rain this morning and it occurred to me that stress is a bit like rain. It usually starts off as just a drizzle, which you can live with. You quicken your pace in order to try to get out of it faster. But sometimes you don’t make it out of the rain as quickly as you’d hoped and those big fat heavy drops come on. They soak you but you still have to push on. Head down, feet pounding, hoping you’re moving in the right direction. The rain seeps through your coat and onto your clothes, then you feel it against your skin and layer by layer it infiltrates.
Eventually the sun comes out and the rain stops but as with stress, the effects take some time to dissipate. Just because the sun’s come out and the problem has gone away doesn’t mean you’re not still soaked through and feeling uncomfortable.
I wonder if someone will invent a stress poncho one day.
Saturday, 19 April 2014
10. Choose Your Chocolates Wisely
I know I recommended to you last week that you should try to tell those around you how you’re feeling in order to survive the tougher times. I’d like to make an addendum to that and say that you might want to be a little bit picky about who you choose to tell.
I am trying to tell my husband a lot more often when things aren’t quite right with me and after the come down I’ve experienced recently I was finding today particularly hard to deal with. I told him this and I suppose that he did his best to help considering he is new to all this too. He tried the classic ‘life is like a box of chocolates,’ line but then he didn’t know when to stop. He proceeded to describe each and every ‘life’ chocolate in great detail, sometimes losing the plot along the way.
Apparently there’s the soft, gooey, coffee flavoured chocolates, his personal favourite I might add. Presumably those are the good days in life. Then there’s the tough, horrible, toffee chocolates (bad days?). And then sometimes you come across a surprise strawberry filling (no idea what day this is. Sunday perhaps). And sometime you come across a nutty one (presumably you should try to avoid marrying that one).
‘But there are also those nice dessert chocolates that you buy me for my birthday. I like those,’ he says.
And there you have it.
I am trying to tell my husband a lot more often when things aren’t quite right with me and after the come down I’ve experienced recently I was finding today particularly hard to deal with. I told him this and I suppose that he did his best to help considering he is new to all this too. He tried the classic ‘life is like a box of chocolates,’ line but then he didn’t know when to stop. He proceeded to describe each and every ‘life’ chocolate in great detail, sometimes losing the plot along the way.
Apparently there’s the soft, gooey, coffee flavoured chocolates, his personal favourite I might add. Presumably those are the good days in life. Then there’s the tough, horrible, toffee chocolates (bad days?). And then sometimes you come across a surprise strawberry filling (no idea what day this is. Sunday perhaps). And sometime you come across a nutty one (presumably you should try to avoid marrying that one).
‘But there are also those nice dessert chocolates that you buy me for my birthday. I like those,’ he says.
And there you have it.
Saturday, 5 April 2014
8. Flashing Signs And Beepy Buttons
Humour is something my husband and I have always used to get us through the tough times that my non-stop mental health issues have put us through over the years. It’s hard to say where I’d be without him and it makes me wonder how others, who don’t have a strong framework of support, get by. This is the conversation we had at 6.15 this morning while he dropped me off at the train station.
‘I hate this car. There’s always a light flashing or an alarm beeping on it. It’s becoming less and less like a car and more like a low-standing shed every day. I’m just waiting for the wheels to drop off,’ he says while tapping the petrol light. I’m pretty sure that one needs attention whether it’s lying to him or not.
‘Why don’t you buy a new car?’ I ask.
‘Because we can’t afford it.’
‘Why don’t you swap it for something equally as pointless like an ice cream machine?’
‘How am I going to get to work on an ice cream machine? On a giant trail of Mr Whippy?’
‘Yeah,’ I laugh imagining the congestion that would cause. I can see him in a Mr Freeze outfit.
‘You’re not thinking this through, are you? Then I’d also have to buy a snowboard and that’s MORE cost.’
‘Oh yeah. Silly me.’
It made me think that there are times when you really want something more obvious to happen when you’re not feeling right. A flashing sign, beeping alarm or to turn up at work and find your psychiatrist waiting for you at your desk, picking through your best pens while pocketing a few paperclips. You’d know something was up then. How can you tell people that you’re not feeling right when actually you’re in a fabulous mood, ready to do karaoke at the drop of a hat, stand on tables, throw your knickers* at the DJ and be the life and soul of the party?
Depression is a little different in that it presents itself slightly more obviously, but again, there are a lot of people out there who are very good at hiding just how bad they’re feeling. But generally you can see that someone with depression is very down and not in a normal mental state. You can count the pills in the paracetamol packets every morning and you can keep an eye on things hoping that tomorrow the tide will turn and that person will start to feel better. You can feel slightly active in their care because you’re aware they need some, is what I’m getting at.
But, you try and stop someone experiencing hypomania from being overly happy or overly irritable and you’re likely to find yourself on the business end of a full-scale hissy fit. Rational behaviour like the rest of the world knows and expects from another human being isn’t always on the cards during a hypomanic episode. I would say ‘And certainly not during a manic episode,’ but I would be speculating. I don’t think anyone reading this needs or wants me to do that, but if you suffer these types of episodes yourself and want to leave a comment to educate me and other readers, then we’d be happy to read it.
They say that hypomania is often credited with increased creativity and productive energy. I definitely find this is the case. Most recently it has affected my work because that’s where my focus has been after finishing a long contract, but I have noticed, before diagnosis, that I would have regular and persistent periods where I would commit to something, a hobby say, like art. I would learn everything I could about it almost obsessively, develop very quickly, produce lots of work in a matter of months and then, for no apparent reason, totally lose interest and never go back to it again. Not having any idea what bipolar was at that time I can’t say whether these phases coincided with any mood changes but I suspect there was more going on than I was fully aware of.
My point is (yes I do have one), the best way to let others know how you’re feeling is to tell them. It’s taken me a very long time to come to this conclusion because, as I’ve said before, bipolar can be pretty scary. The symptoms are one thing, but it’s the unknown reactions of others that has scared me more. I don’t want people to look at me differently just because they now know I have a bunch of people talking in my head or because I see werewolves in car parks. I mean really, people, do you have to judge?
The surprising thing is, I don’t think many people do judge. In the few weeks I’ve been posting this blog I’ve had no strange or probing questions, I haven’t found any ambulances pulling up at my front door to take me away. What I have found is a lot of private message from people who find life hard in their own way, telling me they think I’m brave for sharing. And that’s truly lovely to hear. It’s been a relief and a release, because I’ve been carrying this stuff around for a long old time now. Perhaps, with the help of both friends and strangers I’ll be brave enough to let a lot of my issues go and trust that everyone will understand.
*I would like to make the point that I have never thrown my knickers at ANYONE. And that time I threw them at the cat I was actually aiming for the wash basket. Just wanted to make that clear.
‘I hate this car. There’s always a light flashing or an alarm beeping on it. It’s becoming less and less like a car and more like a low-standing shed every day. I’m just waiting for the wheels to drop off,’ he says while tapping the petrol light. I’m pretty sure that one needs attention whether it’s lying to him or not.
‘Why don’t you buy a new car?’ I ask.
‘Because we can’t afford it.’
‘Why don’t you swap it for something equally as pointless like an ice cream machine?’
‘How am I going to get to work on an ice cream machine? On a giant trail of Mr Whippy?’
‘Yeah,’ I laugh imagining the congestion that would cause. I can see him in a Mr Freeze outfit.
‘You’re not thinking this through, are you? Then I’d also have to buy a snowboard and that’s MORE cost.’
‘Oh yeah. Silly me.’
It made me think that there are times when you really want something more obvious to happen when you’re not feeling right. A flashing sign, beeping alarm or to turn up at work and find your psychiatrist waiting for you at your desk, picking through your best pens while pocketing a few paperclips. You’d know something was up then. How can you tell people that you’re not feeling right when actually you’re in a fabulous mood, ready to do karaoke at the drop of a hat, stand on tables, throw your knickers* at the DJ and be the life and soul of the party?
Depression is a little different in that it presents itself slightly more obviously, but again, there are a lot of people out there who are very good at hiding just how bad they’re feeling. But generally you can see that someone with depression is very down and not in a normal mental state. You can count the pills in the paracetamol packets every morning and you can keep an eye on things hoping that tomorrow the tide will turn and that person will start to feel better. You can feel slightly active in their care because you’re aware they need some, is what I’m getting at.
But, you try and stop someone experiencing hypomania from being overly happy or overly irritable and you’re likely to find yourself on the business end of a full-scale hissy fit. Rational behaviour like the rest of the world knows and expects from another human being isn’t always on the cards during a hypomanic episode. I would say ‘And certainly not during a manic episode,’ but I would be speculating. I don’t think anyone reading this needs or wants me to do that, but if you suffer these types of episodes yourself and want to leave a comment to educate me and other readers, then we’d be happy to read it.
They say that hypomania is often credited with increased creativity and productive energy. I definitely find this is the case. Most recently it has affected my work because that’s where my focus has been after finishing a long contract, but I have noticed, before diagnosis, that I would have regular and persistent periods where I would commit to something, a hobby say, like art. I would learn everything I could about it almost obsessively, develop very quickly, produce lots of work in a matter of months and then, for no apparent reason, totally lose interest and never go back to it again. Not having any idea what bipolar was at that time I can’t say whether these phases coincided with any mood changes but I suspect there was more going on than I was fully aware of.
My point is (yes I do have one), the best way to let others know how you’re feeling is to tell them. It’s taken me a very long time to come to this conclusion because, as I’ve said before, bipolar can be pretty scary. The symptoms are one thing, but it’s the unknown reactions of others that has scared me more. I don’t want people to look at me differently just because they now know I have a bunch of people talking in my head or because I see werewolves in car parks. I mean really, people, do you have to judge?
The surprising thing is, I don’t think many people do judge. In the few weeks I’ve been posting this blog I’ve had no strange or probing questions, I haven’t found any ambulances pulling up at my front door to take me away. What I have found is a lot of private message from people who find life hard in their own way, telling me they think I’m brave for sharing. And that’s truly lovely to hear. It’s been a relief and a release, because I’ve been carrying this stuff around for a long old time now. Perhaps, with the help of both friends and strangers I’ll be brave enough to let a lot of my issues go and trust that everyone will understand.
*I would like to make the point that I have never thrown my knickers at ANYONE. And that time I threw them at the cat I was actually aiming for the wash basket. Just wanted to make that clear.
Saturday, 22 March 2014
6. A Husband's Lot
You know, I often wonder how I managed to get anyone to marry me. My husband doesn’t just have to put up with the usual stuff that a husband puts up with like arguments about the bills, deciding whose job it is to take the rubbish out, or whether there’s likely to be a nuclear fallout if he forgets to empty the cat litter tray on one more occasion. He has to contend with one or two more delights thanks to the personality issues that ensue in our household. I wonder if he would have been so keen to get a ring on my finger had he met me through the ‘Bipolar Dating Ads’.
Elle’s Dating Profile:
Described by some as ‘quirky’ I can be a giant, teary-eyed, ball of energy when I want to be. Always on the receiving end of an arrest warrant, the police just love my sense of humour. If I’m not being the life of the party myself then usually Janice, (she’s the voice in my head – oh she’s a scream), will take over and get things going.
I have developed a close friendship with the ‘c’ word over the years and use it with wild abandon to describe anyone from dictators I see on the news to whoever took the last Twix out of the cupboard. I am willing to give up this friendship for the right man and a lockable storage box.
I have certain ‘toxic’ medications which keep me on an even keel but sometimes I forget to take them. I’m sure you’ll find we have a lot in common if you’ve ever:
• Found yourself balled up in the corner of your bathroom, rocking and crying, because you’ve just discovered you’re down to your last tube of toothpaste.
• Decided that the bus driver who didn’t smile at you this morning when you smiled at him obviously hates you and you must now analyse every aspect of your personality in order to discover what’s fundamentally wrong with you as a human being.
• Decided that the bus driver who DID smile at you this morning when you smiled at him obviously fancies you desperately and you must now analyse every aspect of your life in case making a new life for yourself with said bus driver is an option.
The cat and I have made a pact with the devil. I feel any potential mate should know about this. It’s only fair. We are both going to live forever and love and snuggle with each other every single day. You, however, need to make your own arrangements.
I’m very versatile, able to make the best of any situation. For example, this morning I was on the train and my nose started to run. I reached into my bag for a tissue and it wasn’t until I got the ‘tissue’ to my nose that I realised I was in fact about to blow my nose on a panty liner. A quick scan of the train carriage informed me that no one had noticed and therefore, I can reliably inform you that they ARE as absorbent as the manufacturer states. Versatile. That’s me.
And finally, if you were to date me and decide that you no longer wish to see me but I decide I would like to carry on seeing you, I reserve the right to become obsessed with and/or stalk you. Terms and conditions of stalking can be obtained through written request, however, since I find it impossible to believe that my behaviour constitutes stalking my response will mostly include the words ‘F**K’ and ‘YOU’.
Now who wouldn’t marry that?!
Elle’s Dating Profile:
Described by some as ‘quirky’ I can be a giant, teary-eyed, ball of energy when I want to be. Always on the receiving end of an arrest warrant, the police just love my sense of humour. If I’m not being the life of the party myself then usually Janice, (she’s the voice in my head – oh she’s a scream), will take over and get things going.
I have developed a close friendship with the ‘c’ word over the years and use it with wild abandon to describe anyone from dictators I see on the news to whoever took the last Twix out of the cupboard. I am willing to give up this friendship for the right man and a lockable storage box.
I have certain ‘toxic’ medications which keep me on an even keel but sometimes I forget to take them. I’m sure you’ll find we have a lot in common if you’ve ever:
• Found yourself balled up in the corner of your bathroom, rocking and crying, because you’ve just discovered you’re down to your last tube of toothpaste.
• Decided that the bus driver who didn’t smile at you this morning when you smiled at him obviously hates you and you must now analyse every aspect of your personality in order to discover what’s fundamentally wrong with you as a human being.
• Decided that the bus driver who DID smile at you this morning when you smiled at him obviously fancies you desperately and you must now analyse every aspect of your life in case making a new life for yourself with said bus driver is an option.
The cat and I have made a pact with the devil. I feel any potential mate should know about this. It’s only fair. We are both going to live forever and love and snuggle with each other every single day. You, however, need to make your own arrangements.
I’m very versatile, able to make the best of any situation. For example, this morning I was on the train and my nose started to run. I reached into my bag for a tissue and it wasn’t until I got the ‘tissue’ to my nose that I realised I was in fact about to blow my nose on a panty liner. A quick scan of the train carriage informed me that no one had noticed and therefore, I can reliably inform you that they ARE as absorbent as the manufacturer states. Versatile. That’s me.
And finally, if you were to date me and decide that you no longer wish to see me but I decide I would like to carry on seeing you, I reserve the right to become obsessed with and/or stalk you. Terms and conditions of stalking can be obtained through written request, however, since I find it impossible to believe that my behaviour constitutes stalking my response will mostly include the words ‘F**K’ and ‘YOU’.
Now who wouldn’t marry that?!
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